the third sex

Here as promised are the latest adventures of Sargent Shameless, emailed to me from some semen-soaked hotel room in Pattaya. I post this two-part account as a warning about the depths of depravity to which it is possible to sink.

Could it be that my ladyboy indiscretions are possibly wrecking the marriages of people I have never met and who don’t even know who I am?

Your Sargent Shameless was asking himself this question as he laid on a beach chair in Koh Larn, a small island with sandy beaches a few miles offshore from Pattaya, while his ladyboy companion sensuously rubbed sun cream all over the Sargent’s wicked body.
 
Since I never use real names, let’s call this serviceable ladyboy “Fire” because she is hot as hell. You see, Fire is the kind of knock-out babe who can stop a beach every time she moves. In her tiny thong bikini, 5 foot 10 inches tall with stick-out, but not exaggerated, breast implants, she is not shy about showcasing all that gorgeousness and walks and giggles and gesticulates in exaggerated girly ways for all to see and gawk. Add this to the Sargent’s own penchant for showing off and you have a sinful spectacle that ordinary beachgoers will never forget.
 
To go to Koh Larn, one takes a boat from the pier in South Pattaya and it is an hour’s ride, which means that something of a shared experience happens between all the boat’s passengers. Everybody notices everybody else: the young couples on honeymoon or with small children, the elderly couples seeking to rekindle the fire, the European spinsters, the aging farangs with their considerably younger Thai GG girlfriends, the Japs, the Koreans, the Arabs, the accidental Thais, etc…. But there is only one wild tall guy holding hands with an equally wild tall ladyboy, taking pictures of her long hair flowing in the sea breeze, and even making out on the deck with long sloppy kisses for all to see… That guy would SHAMELESSly be me!

I can’t help it but relish how when I am with one or more ladyboys, other Western men in Thailand look at me with baffled curiosity, disgust, or admiration (I can never tell which) but they look!..and their aging wives look also but with scared contempt as they know that there-but-for-the-grace-of-God could go their husbands.
 
When the Pattaya boat arrives at Koh Larn it stops off the beach and everyone gets into a smaller flat boat and stays at this small secluded beach, which means the group dynamics with the fellow passengers continue until the boat takes everyone back a few hours later. In our group that day there was this young Russian couple, and I swear the lady looked just like Anna Kournikova the hottie former tennis player. Blue eyes, beautiful straight blonde hair, pouting rose lips, long perfectly toned legs, perky breasts, a tight butt to die for, every inch of her body impeccably groomed. In brief, the kind of girl that I would have cut an arm off to be with when I was in my 20s.

Yet my ladyboy Fire was stealing all the attention that normally the Anna Kournikova look-a-like would have come to expect semi-naked on a beach, including from her young Russian husband who could not keep his eyes off Fire. He even followed us into the water and possibly witnessed as I floated with arms and legs clutching a huge inflatable tyre and Fire dove in and came out between my legs and discreetly sucked on my cock for a minute or two. (The Captain says: Shame on you Shameless! I hope you were far enough out at sea for the innocent onshore not to see you!)

Later, back on the sand, the Russian guy kept looking at Fire and I noticed that at some point he was adjusting an erection in his speedos. His newlywed wife must have noticed something also, because on the boat back to Pattaya they were clearly having a lovers’ tiff. I could not help but get the feeling that I might have indirectly undermined their marriage by planting the seed of ladyboy lusting in an otherwise straight-shooting young lad. And also that I probably do such marital undermining everyday that I party for-all-to-see with ladyboys and some of the men watching me from afar wish they had the guts or a chance to experiment or start to wonder about it.
 
Because, at that moment on that boat, I knew for sure that the next time the Russian guy would make love to that gorgeous wife of his he would be fantasising he was fucking my ladyboy Fire. .. and that in no more than 10 years time he would be back in Pattaya to fulfill his fantasy with a ladyboy of his own.

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I’m afraid that Sargeant Shameless has just sent me the following missive that is shameless even by his deplorable standards. I reproduce it only as a warning of how low a man can sink.

On my latest incursion into Patpong I stopped at KC3, Patpong’s only ladyboy-only bar to catch up on old friends and try to make new ones. KC3’s house rules are that as soon as a customer sits down, a bunch of ladyboys line themselves up in front of him and pester him until he agrees to pick at least one of them to buy a ladydrink or possibly more. But since the Sargeant plays by his own rules, he shooed all the nagging ladyboys away while scanning the bar for the prospect most to his liking.

Before I go any further with the story, I would like to make a small interlude here to clarify that the reason I was in Patpong that night was that I was on a date with a European woman, who was looking to buy a knock-off designer purse in Patpong’s night market. Spotting an opportunity, I suggested she look for the purse at her unhurried and exhaustive female shopping pace, while I looked myself for a supposedly hard-to-find pair of men’s designer jeans. After we went our different shopping ways, I bought the first pair of jeans I saw and made a beeline for KC3. But the reality was that I had barely one hour before I had to meet my girlfriend again and thus was not even thinking of attempting any shameless endeavours.

Back to KC3. I did see a new ladyboy very much to my liking and invited her over for a drink. She started the usual small talk in hopes of bagging a paying customer. “What your name?” “Where you come from?” “How long you stay Thailand?” “You been to bar before?” The Sargeant just usually wings these questions as his mood strikes: sometimes telling the truth, sometimes not. So when the ladyboy asked, “Where you stay Bangkok?” I made up an answer by picking a number street out of my head: “Sukhumvit Soi 2″.

And then the most incredible thing happened: The ladyboy’s face lit up, she looked at me deeply and hugged me closely saying “I remember you now.” And she apologised with kisses for not having “recognized” me right away. Then she added ” I smoke yaba your apartment. You very good farang.”

Apparently, she had mistaken me for a Bangkok punter with an apartment on Soi 2 who had barfined her and provided her with all-you-can-smoke yaba (a crack-like drug favoured by Thai bartypes). Seeing the beautiful smile on her face, I did not want to disappoint her and just made a sheepish face as if saying, “I was afraid you would never recognise me.” Well, whoever the Soi 2 guy was, he sure made an impression on the ladyboy, as she took such a fancy to him that turned to me and said “You not fuck me that time, you can fuck me now, no money OK.”

My eyes popped out, my pulse started racing, and the shameless knob started throbbing against my zipper. I had about half an hour before the agreed time to meet with my girlfriend so I had to decide fast. This being the kind of situation the Sargeant lives for, I knew I had to go for it, and just hope the other guy did not have a small dick or some other feature that might give me away. So I pulled out the money for the barfine, told her to get dressed and hurry up to one of Patpong’s short time lounges. We made our way there separately, just in case my girlfriend was within visual range (thank heavens she wasn’t!). The encounter was much shorter than the Sargeant would have liked, but I made the point of penetrating her as soon as I got hard and of doing it from behind to minimise chances of her looking at me and realising her confusion.

In the end, I offered to give her 300 baht (less than 10 US$), which she accepted without bitterness at how small it was and even gave me one more big, heartfelt hug. I would have given her more money, but that would have spoiled the experience of me getting a freebie, which was the whole point.

I did make it back to my girlfriend at the agreed spot on time as she happily waved a fake Dolce&Gabana purse at me and I reciprocated by pulling out of a bag a pair of studded fake Armani jeans. Turns out they were not even my size so I had to go back to Patpong the next day to exchange them. But that’s another story.

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Regular readers of these pages will know about Sergeant Shameless, an incorrigible pervert whose adventures make even me blush. After a few months of silence (and I really don’t want to know what he has been doing) he has just surfaced to provide me with the following list:

The Top 10 signs you are hopelessly hooked on ladyboys

10 You start going to Thailand alone rather than with your girl-loving buddies you used to go there with
9 You start fantasising about Nicole Kidman having a penis

8 You find yourself eating bananas in one single bite
7 You start salivating at the mention of the words “pina colada”
6 You learn all there is to learn about enemas and their application
5 Your friends start saying you remind them of John Wayne when you walk
4 You walk past the girlie bars of Bangkok or Pattaya and the door girls no longer bother to entice you into the bar
3 Your girlfriend demands that you fuck her pussy at least once for every two times that you fuck her ass
2 Your girlfriend demands that you fuck her pussy at least once for every 10 times that she fucks your ass
1 You religiously renew your Captain-Outrageous membership