the third sex

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Regular readers of these pages will know about Sergeant Shameless, an incorrigible pervert whose adventures make even me blush. After a few months of silence (and I really don’t want to know what he has been doing) he has just surfaced to provide me with the following list:

The Top 10 signs you are hopelessly hooked on ladyboys

10 You start going to Thailand alone rather than with your girl-loving buddies you used to go there with
9 You start fantasising about Nicole Kidman having a penis

8 You find yourself eating bananas in one single bite
7 You start salivating at the mention of the words “pina colada”
6 You learn all there is to learn about enemas and their application
5 Your friends start saying you remind them of John Wayne when you walk
4 You walk past the girlie bars of Bangkok or Pattaya and the door girls no longer bother to entice you into the bar
3 Your girlfriend demands that you fuck her pussy at least once for every two times that you fuck her ass
2 Your girlfriend demands that you fuck her pussy at least once for every 10 times that she fucks your ass
1 You religiously renew your Captain-Outrageous membership

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One thing I really enjoy doing is going shopping for lingerie and sexy clothing for the models. Now, you really need to have a thick skin for this.

Although I am perfectly content browsing through the underwear section of my local department store, looking for tights, stockings, panties and nighties, from time to time I look up and realise that one or two of the store girls are gazing at me with some amusement.

I know I don’t look like the conventional husband buying sexy stuff for his wife: that kind of buyer tends to be in and out the underwear department as quickly as he can, and in a state of some embarrassment. Whereas I spend a long time browsing, in deep concentration, as I weigh up the possibilities of certain colours (the wrong colour can play havoc with skin tones – avoid orange, for a start) and see-through qualities. I go through all the racks, and the discount bins, and whatever else takes my fancy, and end up with a pile of goodies. I’m not sure what the staff think of me.

I also go to the tiny little shops in Patpong that sell stuff to the go-go dancers and bar girls. You can get some really sexy clothing there, and cheaply too, although of course as a farang I get hit up for prices far higher than the girls pay. Never mind – it’s like being let loose in a sweet shop. Again, I spend ages in the shops.

My least favourite kind of shop however is those that specialise in sex toys. There aren’t any in Thailand – they simply aren’t allowed, oddly enough. So whenever I’m in London I go to one of the well-known shops and buy a few things, but not only are they ferociously expensive they are also completely unsexy.

I browse through the racks of leatherwear and whips and costumes and dildos, and I don’t feel even a twinge. It all leaves me completely unmoved. I buy what I think will look good, then make my way home again. Sometimes it photographs well, other times I try it once then leave it at the back of the wardrobe.