the third sex

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Scene: The Criterion Theatre, London. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson have been invited backstage to see the preparations and rehearsals for the Asian Exotica Christmas and New Year show, shortly to have its opening night.

Holmes: I say, Watson, this is going to be a very exciting production.

Watson: Indeed, Holmes, and it is most generous of the promoters to allow us backstage like this.

H: Just look at that beautiful Thai girl, Watson. Through there, in the changing room. What a spectacularly lovely creature.

W: Beautiful she most certainly is, Holmes, but how on earth do you know she is Thai?

H: Elementary, my dear Watson. Observe if you will the calf of her right leg. I think you will see a lozenge-shaped patch of discoloured skin, about three inches by two in dimension?

W: Yes, what could be the cause?

H: Falling off motorcycles is part of the job description for being a Thai, Watson. The hot exhaust pipe touches the skin as the machine keels over. The burn mark is known colloquially as a “Thai tattoo.”

W: Good heavens. The poor young lady. I do hope she wasn’t badly hurt.

H: No, the motorcycle was travelling slowly and it toppled to the right, allowing her to roll clear, probably onto a grass track.

W: How do you deduce that, Holmes?

H: There is a slight horizontal scratch just above her left knee, Watson. That was caused by the wing mirror, as she fell from the vehicle. There are no scars on her hands or elbows, indicating a soft landing.

W: I see. But it’s not only the Thais who ride motorcycles, Holmes.

H; There are other signs to indicate her nationality, Watson. Observe the tiny swastika-shaped tattoo on her inside right ankle. That is common amongst Thais, usually done at a temple fair when they are very young, and believed to strengthen the spirit and bring luck.

W: It’s tiny, the size of a postage stamp.

H: I would even venture to suggest that she is from the northeast of the country, Watson, the region the Thais call Issan.

W: What is your reasoning there, Holmes? They all look the same to me.

H: Observe the bridge of the nose, Watson. There is no cartilage there. This is a characteristic of the Issan people. It has allowed the evolution of what is known as the ‘Siamese kiss’, in which the nose is flattened against the face of a loved one and a deep sniff of approval given.

W: May we test your theories, Holmes?

H: Certainly. I say, my young lady. Might you confirm for us that you are from the Issan region of the fair country of Thailand?

Girl: Kah!

H: Thank you, my dear, and may we wish you success. That confirms it, Watson. Thai she is. Now, I think we have seen enough for this evening. Come! A fine chop awaits us at Simpson’s in the Strand.

W: Extraordinary, Holmes. I would never have guessed her nationality.

H: We both observed exactly the same detail, my dear Watson. The difference being that I was able to deduce a number of simple conclusions from what I saw. My, she was a beautiful woman.

W: There is only one thing, Holmes.

H: What is that, Watson?

W: She wasn’t a woman.

H: Not a woman, Watson? What on earth do you mean?

W: Well, she had a hell of a dick on her, Holmes.

H: Great heavens, Watson! I didn’t notice!